This past weekend I got into one of those talks with my boyfriend. You know, the ones that start about one thing but end up being about something much different — bigger, more profound — than the original topic ever even pretended to be.
I got asked a question that, unfortunately, I’ve heard on more than one occasion: “Do you think you’re an angry person?”
The easy answer? No. The more difficult, truer answer? Well…it’s complicated.
To me, anger has always been a mask for other emotions. In general, I believe anger is code for more complex, uncomfortable, vulnerable feelings, like fear or anxiety or resentment. I obviously have no authority to make this claim, but I would venture a guess that if you tried to pinpoint the true nature of anger, you’d have a really tough time.
Here’s the truth: I’m terrified of being alone. We could go the Freudian trauma-route here, and I could tell you all about how my best childhood pal abruptly ended our friendship with no explanation, or about my first lost love, or about the dog my parents put to sleep without letting me say goodbye. We could, but we won’t. As a wise philosopher once opined, “Shit happens.” There have been far more epic abandoments than the ones I’ve suffered, and smaller grievances with larger impacts, I’m sure. Suffice it to say, certain situations make me feel isolated, and sometimes the prospect of the loneliness settling in forever just seems so real…
I get angry.
I leave first.
I win!
Wait…
I always regret it. Maybe not right away, when I’m so filled with self-righteousness that I can’t feel anything but…self-righteousness. Eventually, though, I realize that leaving first and writing people off and putting friendships in the past tense only gets you so far. And wherever you end up, you’re alone.
While fear can be dressed in an anger frock – and the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself…. there must be a way to peel back the scab and allow the wound of abandonment to the heal. The fear to subside, the anger to dissolve.
I think that everything I’d say here as a comment, I’ve already said to you in person. So instead, let’s just go with this:
I love you and think you’re fantastic. All the time.
I think anger is often a result of something not going the way you wanted or planned. And it’s totally valid and justified in a lot of cases. But I think anger is often, at least for me (and sounds like for you too), is a way to protect yourself from more vulnerable feelings like loneliness or sadness. I think it can be helpful to identify what it is you’re feeling (Am I angry or am I sad right now? Why?) and then accept it and do what you can to change it so you feel better. Just my psychology minor at work so I’m not exactly qualified here… In my experience, a lot of people don’t take the time to think about what they’re feeling and why, and I find that’s the easiest way to move on from a painful emotion.
Loved the honesty of this post. And I agree; you’re fantastic
The Dalai Lama once said: I would like to explain the meaning of compassion, which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop genuine concern for his or her problem. This is genuine compassion. Usually when we are concerned about a close friend, we call this compassion. This is not compassion; it is attachment. Even in marriage, those marriages that last only a short time do so because of attachment – although it is generally present – but because there is also compassion. Marriages that last only a short time do so because of a lack of compassion; there is only emotional attachment based on projection and expectation. When the only bond between close friends is attachment, then even a minor issue may cause one’s projections to change. As soon as our projections change, the attachment disappears – because that attachment was based solely on projection and expectation. It is possible to have compassion without attachment – and similarly, to have anger without hatred. Therefore we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment, and between anger and hatred. Such clarity is useful in our daily life and in our efforts towards world peace. I consider these to be basic spiritual values for the happiness of all human beings, regardless of whether one is a believer or a nonbeliever.